What I Learned in 7th Grade Health Class

Last night I was washing my face and, like I always do when annihilating clogged and menacing pores, I thought, "Gotta make sure I really clean the T-zone..."

The "T-zone"? I was suddenly struck by this strange little word and I thought about how I learned it. I learned about the "T-zone" in my 7th-grade health class. In case you were born in a cave or were homeschooled or something, I'll explain what the T-zone is: It's the "T" formed by your forehead and nose. It's where acne is most likely to wage chemical war on your face with weapons of mass destruction.

As I continued washing my face, I thought more about my 7th grade health class and tried to remember every and anything I could about it. Here is what I remember learning from that class:

-Make sure you clean the T-zone really well, or no one will like you, probably.

-Pregnancy and smoking don't mix.

Our teacher had this strange doll that was kind of like a pregnant lady, except that her belly was see through and her mouth was perfectly formed to hold a cigarette. When the teacher lit up a cigarette, she would jam it in the dolls mouth, then pump the doll's torso so the doll would "smoke" and you could see all the junk that goes into a uterus with the wee little baby. I remember it very vividly and I think the whole thing worked, because I still think, "Man, if I am ever pregnant, I am never going to smoke."

I remember when I saw the teacher light up a cigarette, I had this incredible sense of disbelief. I couldn't believe that a TEACHER, of all people, was actually lighting a REAL cigarette at school, in front of all of us impressionable pre-adolescents. It felt like I was partner to some inexcusable crime.

-The only other thing I remember from that class is that my teacher was morbidly obese and throughout the year I would always think, "Well this is ironic."